Item one – “Oh listen honey. Tomorrow we have to meet with Jack’s teacher about his math grades. Do you think there’s a problem?”
Item two – “Let’s head over to the condo in Malibu next week. I think there’s a festival going on in town that weekend and no bad weather is predicted. Bring that fancy super-lube and let’s make our own hurricane.”
Item three – “I will love you forever. Will you marry me?”
Item four – “That damned recital is this afternoon. If I forget the music like last time, I’m gonna puke right up there on stage.”
Item five – I’m sorry Ms. DeLightsome. Your supervisor downgraded the results of that project you worked on for the past three years. I’m afraid we’ll have to let you go. Please clear your desk immediately. Security is on the way to escort you out.”
Item six – “I’m feeling lucky. Let’s go to Vegas.”
I’ll bet for each item, you conjured up a mental picture loaded with emotions. Either because you lived through something similar, or you can imagine what they must be feeling. (Ah, lovely hurricanes.) You could empathize with the characters and could feel their expectations and you could forecast a good or a bad outcome. Or several outcomes. Or nightmares.
Expectations. They’re always about the future. Some say expectations and intent create reality individually and collectively. Others say that’s horse patooky. Who knows for sure. The only thing we really know is that the more intensely you feel the expectation, the more intensely you feel the resulting letdown or euphoria, depending . . .
Some say:
Expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed.
My expectations were low and they were met.
My expectations were too high and unrealistic.
My expectations were low and I was pleasantly surprised.
Some say don’t have expectations at all. But really it’s okay. Go ahead and have them, but realize they are only ideas about the future, which is just another idea since doesn’t exist yet. But our emotions exist. And our expectations, hopes, fears, and denial about the future exist. Expectations are risky, fun, scary, make for great conversations. When met, such joy.
It’s so hard to not have them; it’s so hard to not adopt the expectations of others. It’s hard to not blame someone, including yourself, if outcomes fall short of expectations. When the outcomes are just awful, it’s sometimes really hard to let go of the disappointment or the anger or the blame.
As a faux Buddhist, I’ve been exposed to some wise people saying lofty things, usually with great compassion. One of the wisest statements I have ever heard came from a French monk visiting the Kanzeon Zen center in Salt Lake City. I don’t even remember what the dharma talk was about, but one statement struck me as profound in its simplicity: That we should regard ourselves with tenderness.
He said we are inherently perfect, but don’t realize it because our striving and expectations hide it from our own vision. Emotions are just ideas, but we feel them intensely. Expectations are ideas, and sometimes we live by them too much, too unrealistically.
Regard yourself with tenderness. When all expectations disappoint as they so often do. When you feel anger, resentment, blame for self. When realization sets in that you’ve snookered yourself again. Or when the joy of success fades, remember that the humanity is still there. And greatness. Expect it, with tenderness.
LynnBlossom 